Anyone who has kids (or siblings) can attest to the fact that they will bicker. And bicker. And occasionally throw toys or even some punches. In my house, the bickering wasn’t limited to the kids. My husband was also bickering with the kids. And maybe I was, too.
One day I realized that the bickering was a display of their lack of respect for each other. They no longer saw each other as worthwhile people. They were only seeing each other through the lens of the bickering: they saw each other as enemies or at least annoyances. .
What I realized in that moment was that they needed to see other aspects of their siblings. They needed to see that their siblings were kind, generous, and funny. My husband needed to see that the kids were magical, curious, creative, generous, and courageous.
First, I stopped talking about the difficult moments I was having with our children. There are hundreds of moments each day that I could have been sharing, but I was only sharing the negative ones. All he heard about our kids was my complaining. So. I stopped complaining to my husband about our kids.
And, I stopped making comments about the kids in front of their siblings. I stopped talking to my friends about my kids when the kids were even close to being within earshot. If I have something nice to say, I now bring the child over and ask if they’d like to tell their own story. If not, I ask their permission before I do.
Then I made it a point to tell nice stories about each of them to the others. I told my Snickerdoodle about a time when my Chocolate Chip spoke up and asked for an extra lollipop to give to Snickerdoodle. I told my husband about the funny joke Snickerdoodle made up. I told him about the sweet way Chocolate Chip shared his popsicle with Gingersnap. I told him the cute thing Ginger Snap did at the park. I told the kids what a nice daddy they have and how he brought home a game because he knew they would like it.
How does this help? Why does saying nice things about your family members to the others change anything? Well, my kids attend a standard school with a typical schedule. The only time they see each other is during the following times: getting ready for school time, after school decompression time, the witching hour, and bedtime. None of these times are conducive to cooperation, kindness, and caring. All of these times are conducive to rushing, dissatisfaction, and overstimulation. Bickering is the result.
Nearly all of the interactions they have are during these anxious times where we are often on a time schedule or at least following an agenda. The bickering is bothering a symptom and a cause. They feel yucky, so they aren’t as nice as we can hope. Then the other person feels more yucky and it’s even harder for them to be kind in the face of rudeness. Then it snowballs from there.
It’s difficult to see the kindness and compassion is someone that is almost always rude to them, bickering with them, or yelling at them. That’s where this talking then yo to each other comes in.
Imagine trying to get along with someone who mistreats you. Now imagine getting along with someone you love who is gentle and kind. Big difference, right? Telling my kids about the nice things I see the other do helps remind them about the good qualities of their siblings. Telling husband about the amazing things my kids do reminds him how wonderful they are.
When we see each other as kind, generous, and compassionate, we are less likely to take offense when they have a cranky moment and are unintentionally rude to us. When Gingersnap breaks Chocolate Chip’s LEGO creation, Chocolate Chip gets less angry with Gingersnap. When Snickerdoodle screams at the Baker (DH) in defiance, he will have a modicum more of patience when he knows how she helped me when Gingersnap scrapped his knee.
And since I’m looking for things to tell about, I’m looking for the good in my family. I’m focusing on the good and when they fail to buckle their seatbelts after the 100th time I’ve asked, I might be gentler because I remember how Gingersnap thanked me for putting on his shoes.
“Be the change you want to see in the world.” It’s an over simplified paraphrasing of something Ghandi said. It fits this situation though. I wanted to change how my family members saw each other. So I made it a goal to emphasize the good things about them, and to do that I had to change the way I view my family. I had to move my focus to their good qualities.
We all make mistakes. We all have fouls moods. Those moments should not define us and we should not use them to define each other.
No comments:
Post a Comment