Home Improvement: Say nice things about each other

Anyone who has kids (or siblings) can attest to the fact that they will bicker. And bicker. And occasionally throw toys or even some punches. In my house, the bickering wasn’t limited to the kids. My husband was also bickering with the kids. And maybe I was, too.

One day I realized that the bickering was a display of their lack of respect for each other. They no longer saw each other as worthwhile people. They were only seeing each other through the lens of the bickering: they saw each other as enemies or at least annoyances. .

What I realized in that moment was that they needed to see other aspects of their siblings. They needed to see that their siblings were kind, generous, and funny. My husband needed to see that the kids were magical, curious, creative, generous, and courageous.

First, I stopped talking about the difficult moments I was having with our children. There are hundreds of moments each day that I could have been sharing, but I was only sharing the negative ones. All he heard about our kids was my complaining. So. I stopped complaining to my husband about our kids.

And, I  stopped making comments about the kids in front of their siblings. I stopped talking to my friends about my kids when the kids were even close to being within earshot. If I have something nice to say, I now bring the child over and ask if they’d like to tell their own story. If not, I ask their permission before I do.

Then I made it a point to tell nice stories about each of them to the others. I told my Snickerdoodle about a time when my Chocolate Chip spoke up and asked for an extra lollipop to give to Snickerdoodle. I told my husband about the funny joke Snickerdoodle made up. I told him about the sweet way Chocolate Chip shared his popsicle with Gingersnap. I told him the cute thing Ginger Snap did at the park. I told the kids what a nice daddy they have and how he brought home a game because he knew they would like it.

How does this help? Why does saying nice things about your family members to the others change anything? Well, my kids attend a standard school with a typical schedule. The only time they see each other is during the following times: getting ready for school time, after school decompression time, the witching hour, and bedtime. None of these times are conducive to cooperation, kindness, and caring. All of these times are conducive to rushing, dissatisfaction, and overstimulation. Bickering is the result.

Nearly all of the interactions they have are during these anxious times where we are often on a time schedule or at least following an agenda. The bickering is bothering a symptom and a cause. They feel yucky, so they aren’t as nice as we can hope. Then the other person feels more yucky and it’s even harder for them to be kind in the face of rudeness. Then it snowballs from there.

It’s difficult to see the kindness and compassion is someone that is almost always rude to them, bickering with them, or yelling at them. That’s where this talking then yo to each other comes in.

Imagine trying to get along with someone who mistreats you. Now imagine getting along with someone you love who is gentle and kind. Big difference, right? Telling my kids about the nice things I see the other do helps remind them about the good qualities of their siblings. Telling husband about the amazing things my kids do reminds him how wonderful they are.

When we see each other as kind, generous, and compassionate, we are less likely to take offense when they have a cranky moment and are unintentionally rude to us. When Gingersnap breaks Chocolate Chip’s LEGO creation, Chocolate Chip gets less angry with Gingersnap. When Snickerdoodle screams at the Baker (DH) in defiance, he will have a modicum more of patience when he knows how she helped me when Gingersnap scrapped his knee.

And since I’m looking for things to tell about, I’m looking for the good in my family. I’m focusing on the good and when they fail to buckle their seatbelts after the 100th time I’ve asked, I might be gentler because I remember how Gingersnap thanked me for putting on his shoes.

“Be the change you want to see in the world.” It’s an over simplified paraphrasing of something Ghandi said. It fits this situation though. I wanted to change how my family members saw each other. So I made it a goal to emphasize the good things about them, and to do that I had to change the way I view my family. I had to move my focus to their good qualities.

We all make mistakes. We all have fouls moods. Those moments should not define us and we should not use them to define each other.

Personal Victory: Keeping My Emotions Seperate from Other People’s

I had a huge personal victory over the weekend. A friend of mine was full of anxiety and stress and negativity. She was venting and I was, for the first time I can remember, able to keep her emotions separate from my own. This probably sounds strange to many people, but for me, hearing/reading/seeing/ imagining something … I feel it as if it is happening to me.

As you can imagine, trying to survive when everything I read or hear or see causes me to have an internal experience of the same thing as the other person is difficult. And I don’t just experience it once. It usually plays through a few times. Sometimes a lot more times.

Today I was able to protect myself from my friend’s energy. And the best part, the very best part, is that I was still able to help her through her trouble while maintaining my own calm space. In fact, I was probably more helpful because I wasn’t distracted by my own need to cope with the emotions she was feeling.

She was venting about the things that were bothering her and I could feel her emotions around her like a black crayon had been scribbled over a photo of her. I listening to her and I made positive and sympathetic comments. After her venting had run its course, I gave her a hug.

It was one of those long tight hugs that only our oldest of friends can give. As the hug began, it suddenly felt as if her energy and emotions were readying to pour into me. Like when something is about to spill over but the surface tension hasn’t given way just yet. I got scared but, instead of just letting it happen, I took a breath and resisted by sharing my energy with her instead.

I imagined that I was filling her with the peace I had been nourishing all week. It felt like I was performing a Carebear Stare. I just gently let my peace flow into her as imagined her negative energy flowing out of her shoulder blades like thick dark smoke.

When we broke the hug, her face had changed and the tension had drained out of her shoulders. The way she was holding herself was different. And she expressed her thanks multiple times.

To my scientific mind, this all sounds like hocus pocus nonsense. But something happened. I didn’t take on her negative emotions and she received some peace. Call it anything you like: imagination, power of human touch, a change in my way of thinking.

I don’t believe that we had a literal battle of energies, but whatever I visualized definitely helped me stay separate from the negativity. And for her, maybe it was just that she was able to talk about it and the hug reassured her that I still cared about her even on a bad day.

Psychology, sociology, chi, magic, imagination, the Holy Spirit. Whatever you want to label it is fine with me.

How to Use Up Over-ripe Fruit: Bananas

I hate to waste money and the amount we pay for groceries seems to be increasing at a ridiculous rate. So, I’ve found a couple of ways to use up fruit that is past it’s appetizing days but is still wholesome.

To use up our browning, over-ripe bananas, I make Oatmeal Balls. I originally made them from a recipe that was going around Facebook called “Three Ingredient Cookies”. The recipe included just bananas, oats, salt, and optional chocolate chips. In my world, chocolate is never optional and cookies require butter.

But a rose would still smell like a rose if it was called “stink weed”, and yummy “cookies” are still yummy even if they aren’t really cookies.

Anyway, the recipe has been revamped and reposted so many times, I’m no longer able to find the original one that we started using. After my initial bake, my husband continuing making them for breakfast at our house when we had over-ripe bananas available. He called them “Breakfast Cookies”.

I recently revised my views about what dinner should look like in our house (maybe I should write a post about that sometime) and now I make these for dinner. With their new job as entree, I also gave them a new title: Oatmeal Balls. I toss in a few additional ingredients and we have a healthy, delicious dinner that the kids happily eat.

Pro Tip: Set out a spread of veggies and dips. Carrots, celery, frozen peas, whatever you want to introduce your kids to. For dips, I offer hummus, guacamole, and salad dressings. Then call the kids in while the Oatmeal Balls are still in the oven. The kids will start picking at the veggies while they wait for the Oatmeal Balls to finish baking. Bam! They ate their veggies or at least looked at them for a bit and will be more willing to try them in the future.

Without further ado, here is my recipe for Oatmeal Balls.

Super Healthy Oatmeal Balls

By Blamdarot

Primary Ingredients:

1 over ripe, mushy banana

¾ cup rolled oats

⅛ c semi-sweet chocolate chips

¼ tsp salt

Optional Ingredients:

• chia seeds
• Hemp seeds
• 1 tbs Cocoa powder
• 1 tsp cinnamon

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

Add primary ingredients to a bowl or stand mixer. Mix until well incorporated. Add optional ingredients, if desired. Mix again. If dough looks wet, add more oats and seeds until dough looks merely moist.

Form dough into balls using about a tablespoon of dough per ball. Place balls on cookie sheet leaving 2 inches between.

Bake for 15 - 20 minutes until balls are firm but not crispy.

Yield is variable and depends on the size of the banana(s) and how many optional ingredients are added.